Positive People Create Their Own Luck

by Madeleine | Apr 25, 2015 | Positive People

Have you ever looked at someone and thought “He/she’s so lucky.  She/he has money, a great career, the opportunity to travel, and a wonderful relationship or marriage.”  You’re not alone.  I’ve done it too.  It’s easy to feel a little depressed and start to over think why we haven’t been as successful as that person.  Maybe we didn’t get the looks, the family who had it all, the education, or to be born in the right place at the right time.

But as time goes on in life there is the realisation that so many successful people, in wonderful long time relationships didn’t have much either to begin with but became ‘lucky’ because they thought and continue to think differently and take a certain course of action.

What tips would these positive, ‘lucky’ people share with us?

20 Tips on bringing luck into your life

“I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.” – Thomas Jefferson

1.    Work hard (humbly and in the background) and be aware of opportunities.
Successful people don’t brag or celebrate at the expense of others.  They simply get on honing and mastering their craft.  The lesson is to meet good fortune half way.  By putting our heart and soul into what we do, the effort will attract good fortune.

2.    Surround yourselves with a positive network of friends/colleagues/mentors.
By considering the role of others and their needs, this action in itself attracts good fortune.  If you build people up and not tear them down this usually ensures that positivity is circulated and reciprocated.

3.    Visualize and plant positive seeds into your mind every day.
By being positive in thought and action the odds are in your favour.  The best in any field eg. athletics, acting or business see themselves winning before they even commence their work.  One must first see success happen before it can be made to happen.  How we think shapes our lives.

4.    Fight the over-thinking every day.
There is nothing more destructive and debilitating than allowing random  thoughts to highjack your day.  It’s the ‘I should have’, and ‘if only’ scenarios that can lead us down the path of negative thought and self flagellation.
Positive people make a choice to limit their over-thinking mind.  Learn to say ‘Let it go’ and focus your efforts on doing something positive and constructive.

 “Here’s the thing about luck…you don’t know if it’s good or bad until you have some perspective.”  – Alice Hoffman

5.    Listen to your gut, believe in yourself and others.
Learn to trust your gut instinct and keep your humour as this helps you to tap into your creativity.  By having a belief in your own strength you also convey the true belief that all people have inner strength. There is the known understanding that the resilient  mind can achieve great things.

6.    Accept the timing may not always be right…but…
For many timing is everything, but if we waited for the stars to align we could be sitting around for a long, long time.  Positive and ‘lucky’ people say “It’s always the right time” and they go out and make it the right time.  As the saying goes…”Opportunity comes to pass, not pause.”

“A problem is an opportunity waiting to be discovered.” – K.J. Hanley

7.    Live in the now.
By living in the past and choosing to remain a captive of old experiences or perceptions, we limit our potential in the present.  Lucky people direct their efforts at what they can control right here and now.  Not worrying as much about yesterday or tomorrow.  Don’t become oblivious to things around you.

“Carpe diem – seize the day.”

8.    Remain curious and open to new experiences.
Curiosity opens doors, offering a new perspective,  an ability to work on and identify solutions to challenges otherwise missed.  By welcoming new ideas, thoughts or observations, new avenues can be pursued leading to great outcomes.

9.    If at first you don’t succeed, try it from another angle.
The Dalai Lama XIV said it best “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”  By going back to the drawing board you have already gained valuable experience that will guide you on your path towards success.  Lucky people become smart and learn by trying.  They toil, admit faults, and quickly move on.  There is the recognition that happiness and success in life comes from constant study.

10.    Gratitude for life.
Successful and lucky people recognise that life is not a right but a gift.  Lucky people act with great humility.  We are the total sum of our experiences and the positive people we come to know contribute so much to our lives.

11.    Life is not a straight line.
Positive people know that life and success are never a straight line, but a path of twists, turns and side roads.  Lucky people zig zag their way through life, exploring uncharted waters, using the road less travelled.

12.    What’s luck got to do with it?
Positive, successful people know they were not born lucky.  They became and continue to be lucky through study, work and refining their craft.  They make a choice to think differently and to take action.

13.     Admit that they’re not so smart.
By the very act of trying, lucky people become smart.  They read, research, educate themselves and they toil.  They admit their faults, apologize and quickly move on.  They are prepared to be vulnerable if it helps them to become more successful in life. ‘Lucky’ people recognise that happiness and success come through trial, error, and constant learning.

14.    They feel the pain of setbacks and failure too.
Positive people know the pain of failure and frustration associated with setbacks.  However, they keep on going because they know they will travel through it and come out the other side.  They have the powerful belief that the tough times will pass, and by persevering they will get through the challenges.  “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.”

“I don’t know that it’s luck so much as determination.” – K.J. Hanley

15.    The door is always open.
Positive, lucky people are excited about talking openly to anyone who will listen, or share their ideas.  Lucky people smile and engage – open up their minds to chance meetings with strangers where one thing can lead to another.

16.    Having a clear direction or purpose.
Lucky people have a clear direction and purpose.  Their objective may be to provide for their family so that they will have every opportunity that may have been denied to them, or to successfully launch and establish their business.  Positive people have an inbuilt magnet attracting them to their goals in life.
Write down your ultimate goals and then work backwards to establish the stepping stones to achieve your ambitions.

17.    They focus on the goal and remain flexible on the plan.
Positive, lucky people know that plans can change.  Disruption and chaos can impact on the best laid plans, but goals remain the same.  The constant is to remain focused on the goal factoring in change over time.

18.    They pay attention to feelings more often than thoughts.
Positive people are driven by passion in their endeavours.  Whilst thinking is an important element, often our minds (gut feeling, passion and enthusiasm) direct us forward towards our goals.  When difficulties surface, there is the conflict between thoughts and feelings.  Lucky people seem to follow the course of following the heart rather than the head.

19.    There are no monuments to critics, and gossip is a waste of time.
Lucky, positive people don’t pay attention to critics.  They realise that naysayers are a distraction, and the world will always have its doubters.
By staying focused they shrug off the critics and keep moving forward.
Gossip can be extremely destructive and serves no purpose.  It usually consists of rumour and innuendo often from non-achievers.

“If you have no critics you’ll likely have no success.” – Malcolm X

20.    There needs to be hunger and action.
Positive ‘lucky’ people believe they have something of value to contribute to the world.  With this mindset of giving back to friends, family, the workplace, and society in general, they keep the promise of spreading hope and reaching their full potential.  They start the day off leaping out of bed, channelling their energy into positive projects and achieving their goals.
By having that hunger to be productive they create an environment of motivation and enthusiasm leading to direction, action and success on all levels.

“Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” – Seneca

“When you find yourself on the side of the majority,
it is time to pause and reflect.” – Mark Twain

Cultivate High Self Esteem

by Madeleine | Apr 22, 2015 | Positive People

Often the terms of self-esteem and self-confidence are considered the same or used interchangeably.  Although they are similar, they are in fact two different concepts.  Self Esteem refers to how you view yourself overall and appreciate yourself for who you are – foibles and all.  Self Confidence is how you feel about your abilities, and varies from situation to situation.  In essence, self esteem builds confidence.

Positive people work on having good self esteem by acknowledging their strengths and limitations and navigating through the world safe in that knowledge. There also needs to be the recognition that research suggests that some people have a genetic predisposition to being solitary which may impact on their wellbeing, self esteem and self confidence.  Other people harbour irrational thoughts which may affect self image and self esteem.  Whichever way you look at it we all need to work on fostering and maintaining high self esteem.

Signs of Low Self Esteem:
•    Negative self talk
•    Refusing to accept compliments genuinely received
•    Making comparisons between yourself and others
•    Focusing on the negatives in your life rather than the accomplishments
•    Being overly critical of yourself

Causal Factors of Low Self Esteem:
•    Feelings of being the odd one out
•    Unemployment
•    Homelessness
•    Neglect
•    Bullying
•    Abuse
•    Loneliness
•    Poor academic/work performance
•    Lack of social and work related skills
•    Disability or Disfigurement
•    Social isolation

20 Tips on Cultivating High Self Esteem

1.    Self acceptance to achieve personal power.
Until we are able to look in the mirror and accept ourselves as we are, we are unable to make a lasting change in our attitude and behaviour.  In other words we have to be honest in our assessment of ourselves before we can address the elephant in the room and attain self worth.  The focus is on being the best that you can be.

2.    Self Esteem – horses for courses.
Scientists have struggled and debated for years over how to measure self esteem.  As it turns out it is an elusive concept.  We can all identify with the person who presents as self confident, and yet harbours self doubt in their heart.  A more serious issue from a practicality point of view is the process of ‘self rating’ where one rates oneself as either good or bad.  Where do we draw the line on rating ourselves and under what circumstances do we take such measures?  It is more productive and positive to look at our potential for improvement and self empowerment.

Never doubt yourself.  You are capable of so much more than you think.

3.    Fake it till you make it.
A very sound suggestion was made by Laura Berman Fortgang (in the Huffington Post): “The next time you feel like an imposter, remember you are probably in a room full of them, so have a private chuckle and go for the ride.  Before you know it, you will not be pretending anymore.”  You really do have to see it to believe it.  There’s no implying here that we should become liars and charlatans, rather we need to be ‘responsible fakers.’

4.    Tempering confidence with insecurity.
‘Tiger mum’ Amy Chua and her husband, Jed Rubenfeld,  authors of The Triple Package, speculate that for certain races and cultures who do significantly well in business and life, there are three components at work.  Firstly, there is the sense of superiority that encourages confidence.  However, this needs, secondarily, to be tempered by feelings of insecurity about abilities to get things done effectively.  Finally, there is a need for impulse control or self-discipline, without which…not much happens.  In exploring this ‘triple whammy’ of human endeavour, one notable person considered the elemental requirements of getting on in life as being – ‘focus’ and ‘drive.’

5.    Celebrate your accomplishments.
There isn’t a person alive who hasn’t made mistakes in the process of self discovery and self acceptance.  Instead of doing a real number on yourself, be constructive in the advice you give yourself.

“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.” – Mary Dunbar

6.    Keep your expectations real.
We need to ensure our expectations are grounded in reality and the goals we set ourselves are achievable.   The last thing we should be doing is berating ourselves for not meeting some idealistic goal based on a personal fantasy which tests the realms of possibility in the first place.

7.    Make a Self Esteem checklist.
On a piece of paper draw up two columns – one side is for listing your Strengths and the other is for listing your Potentials for Change.  List 10 on each side.  Yes, I know it may seem like you can’t find those strengths initially but they are there.  If you need to, draw on comments provided to you over the years by friends, family, and colleagues.  Some of the targets for change may be addressed short term, others may take a little time.

8.    Establish your To Do List…it’s all about planning and action.
Perfectionism is simply unattainable.  So often we wallow in the idea of perfectionism  knowing full well that we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and failure.  By keeping a journal or diary we are able to keep note of our achievements and accomplishments.  It also provides us with the opportunity for self reflection and helps us focus on the bigger picture of attaining and keeping our self esteem in good shape.

9.    Getting to know the real you.
There’s the old saying of “(Physician) Heal Thyself.”  By carrying out the above, you engage in the process of self exploration where you learn about your mindset, behaviour, perceptions, attitudes and so much more.  But, in the process you create opportunity for new thoughts, endeavours, viewpoints and new contacts and friends.  Life is a process of trial and error and the only way to gain experience and insight is to live life courageously.

10.    Cease comparing yourself to others.
There is nothing more toxic to our self esteem than comparing ourselves to others.  Claim back your individuality and work at being the best you can be for yourself and no one else.  Sure, there will be challenges, hits and misses, and you will need to be patient.  You have amazing skills if you just give yourself a chance to use them.  In fact, you are probably using them now but just haven’t identified your gifts.

11.    Be prepared to modify your own self image.
Nothing is set in concrete when it comes to self image.  Be prepared to update your beliefs about yourself.  Leave the past behind because all of us are constantly evolving.  Evaluate what is going on in your life right now and work with what you’ve got.  Whatever skill sets we acquired as a child will change in our adult years.  Open your mind and heart to change, embrace it and stretch yourself.  You are capable of so much more if you trust yourself.

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” – Marilyn Monroe

12.    No man is an island.
To improve your self esteem you need to take a chance.  Take a chance on your ability to relate to others.  If you reach out you will be surprised how many will welcome your hand.  In this way you will create a strong network of likeminded people who appreciate you for your openness and generosity of spirit.

13.    Find your bliss.
By finding activities that bring you joy you’re more likely to think positively.  Make sure you schedule time for relaxation and fun every day.  Make your weekends special – involve your supportive network of family and/or friends.

14.    No one is perfect.
It is important to do things to the best of your abilities, but constantly striving for perfection is a recipe for disappointment.  Life is a learning process and we learn from experience which usually involves getting it wrong the first time around.

15.    Exercise helps to promote wellbeing.
So often we measure ourselves against the smartest, most beautiful and most successful individuals in society, work or school.  It is important to acknowledge everyone suffers from self doubt at some point in time.  However, the challenge is to recognise this and still strive to be the best we can be.  One way of helping to overcome the negative and promote the positive is through exercise.  Our body produces endorphins which boost our mental wellbeing and exercise helps keep the body fit and toned – a double bonus.

16.    Introduce and maintain positive motivational habits.
To keep the inner critic in check and to give yourself every chance of creating and maintaining positive self esteem, it’s important to introduce healthy motivational habits.
1.     Write down the benefits you will get from forging and following a new path and reaching a personal goal.  Make this a daily practice and keep this list at the ready to reinforce your commitment to better self esteem.
2.    Focus on what is your passion and would keep you motivated.  Ask yourself: Am I doing what I really want to do?  If you aren’t then refocus your attention and commitment to what it is you want and write down the steps to achieving a positive outcome.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,
but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson

17.    Think of your fellow man, lend him a helping hand…
If you would like to be treated with kindness, then start the ball rolling.  What we put out there comes back to us.  There’s that quote from the Bible…”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  It’s a good way of approaching life.  Try and do something generous on a daily basis.  For example:

• Take the time to help someone in a practical way
• Just be there as a sounding board and listen
• Be generous whilst driving, and give someone a chance
• Assist someone who is struggling with doors, groceries etc
• Contact someone who may be lonely or has health issues
• So many people are in need of company…become a volunteer
• Offer encouragement to someone who is uncertain about life, their direction and place in the world
• Stop to talk to an elderly neighbour, or the man/woman walking or sitting with their dog
• Sometimes sharing a table with someone can make their day.  Why not join a person who appears to be lonely.
• Smile – it’s contagious and adds brightness to the world around us

18.    Education is the name of the game.
There is so much information available at your fingertips.  If you want to know more about self esteem, check out the web, self help books and libraries.  By doing this you are empowering yourself and being proactive in bringing about positive change.

19.    Visualize a happier you.
There is so much scepticism surrounding visualization, but if you can see yourself in a better place, then you have a bench mark to which you can aspire.  Visualization is all about self acceptance and optimism and projecting that out into the world.

20.    Learn about Mindfulness and Self-Care.
A really good book called ‘One Minute Mindfulness’ by Donald Altman looks at simple ways to find peace, clarity and new possibilities in a stressed-out world.  By preparing and practicing gestures of self-kindness we develop a greater awareness of self care.  This process looks at intention, meditation or centering practice, and also minimizes negativity and anxiety producing stimuli.  What Mindfulness teaches us is to walk gently, to be kind to ourselves and others who are experiencing similar doubts, and to practice patience and forgiveness.

“People are like stained glass windows.
They sparkle and shine when the sun is out
but when the darkness sets in their true beauty
is revealed only if there is light from within.”
– Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Positive People Managing Anxiety

by Madeleine | Apr 22, 2015 | Positive People

 “Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.” – Plato

Before getting into the nitty gritty of anxiety as a topic, the good news is that anxiety is treatable.  It’s also reassuring somehow to know that everyone experiences feelings of anxiety, nervousness, tension and stress from time to time.

Anxiety takes on many forms under the heading of Anxiety Disorders and the common theme in all is that it impacts on a person’s day to day activities.  Anxiety can affect your ability to sleep, concentrate, and carry out day to day tasks at work, home, school or socially.  As a consequence, you may find yourself compelled to avoid stressful situations and in extreme situations avoiding going out altogether.  Physical symptoms may include shortness of breath, trembling, shaking hands, pounding heart, dryness of the mouth, excessive perspiration etc.

Just to show how diverse the range of anxiety disorders can be we’ll quickly look at the six most common types…

• Generalised Anxiety Disorder – Excessive, uncontrollable worry about a vast range of ordinary daily situations such as work, health or finances.
• Panic Disorder – In association with regular panic attacks there are sudden intense episodes of irrational fear, dizziness, shortness of breath, feeling out of control, palpitations, choking, and various other physical symptoms.
• Social Anxiety Disorder also known as Social Phobia – Avoidance of social or performance situations due to fear of being rejected, judged or embarrassed.
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – As a result of witnessing or experiencing a traumatic life event, feelings of fear or avoidance continue to remain.
• Agoraphobia –Often associated with Panic Disorder, agoraphobia involves avoidance of situations that may trigger the fear of having a panic attack.
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Involves impulses (obsessions) and unwanted thoughts which lead to repetitive routine behaviours (compulsions) as a way of coping with feelings of anxiety.
• Specific Phobias – Irrational fears displayed in a particular situation, such as fear of being confined or exposure to open spaces, people, animals, insects.

Other symptoms of Anxiety:
Physical: Pounding heart, increased heart beat, rapid breathing or shortness of breath, dizziness, choking, sweating, trembling, tiredness, listlessness, feelings of physical weakness, blushing, diarrhoea, sleep disturbances, nightmares, muscle tension and headaches.

Emotional: Loss of concentration and remembering, sense of panic/danger/doom, racing mind and thoughts, difficulty with memory, feelings of powerlessness.

Social: Loss of confidence, isolation, increased dependence on specific persons, disengagement from life/loss of social network contacts.

Causes of Anxiety:
May include….

• Ongoing stressful situations – joblessness, changes in employment, family conflict, relationship breakdown, loss and grief, abuse (physical/sexual/ psychological), bullying, discrimination, life threatening events, violence, pregnancy and childbirth, parenting, carer’s responsibilities, financial debt,  lack of support, and homelessness.
• Physical health issues – the precipitating factors include underlying health issues such as diabetes, asthma, thyroid problems, heart disease, hormone function/fluctuations.  Anxiety may be a precursor to physical health concerns.  Sudden illnesses, diagnosis leading to hospitalisation, ongoing treatment, and disability.
• Personality traits – such as needing to be in control, perfectionism, and low self esteem may make people more susceptible to anxiety.
• Drug/substance abuse – in particular cannabis, amphetamines, sedatives and alcohol which can trigger anxiety symptoms. The process of sudden and monitored drug and alcohol withdrawal may also cause withdrawal-related anxiety.

Treatments for Anxiety:
Treatments depend on the type of anxiety disorder being experienced.  In the case of mild anxiety, strategies may include changes to lifestyle.  Where the anxiety is more severe therapy and medication may be required.
Therapies may include… 
Cognitive Behaviour therapy – focusing on thought patterns.
Relaxation and Breathing techniques – addressing physical symptoms.  May include Mindfulness, Yoga, Tai Chi, and Asian Eastern philosophies/therapeutic approaches.
Medication – Using therapeutic approaches/therapies in conjunction with the use of  anti depressants.

20 Tips on Managing Anxiety

1.    Work with your body.
Your body will tell you when it is experiencing anxiety and your mind will carry out a mental search of the causes of these sensations.  Check where the physical tension is being felt.  Is it in the back, neck, jaw, stomach, shoulders?  What is happening to you this very minute?  Why now? What has brought about these physical responses?  Name the physical responses to your anxiety.

2.    Breathe.
Again, listen to what your body is saying.  Breathe slowly and deeply.  Calm your mind and focus on your breathing.  If you are experiencing rapid breath, focus on slowing down your breathing…start with a slow deep breath inhaling counting from one to three, exhaling one to three, repeat but lengthen the time from three to four then to five.   Change the scenery, for example look out into the garden, or find a room with a view.  If that is not possible then close your eyes and visualise being in a still, quiet place near the water.   It also helps to wriggle your toes and move your hands as though your fingers were making soft stroking movements in the water.

“There are moments when all anxiety and stated toil are becalmed in the infinite leisure and repose of nature.”
– Henry David Thoreau

3.    Learning to relax takes practice.
For most of us we all think we know how to relax which wrongly includes the practice of watching TV or working at the computer.  To relax we need to still the mind.  Using breathing techniques we create a calm channel between the diaphragm and the brain.  There is also the myth that alcohol, drugs or tobacco will relieve anxiety or stress.  On the contrary these are addictive practices which are doing your body and mind no favours.  It may be considered the quick fix but it doesn’t resolve the situation.
Close your eyes, using deep breathing, purposefully shift your awareness away from your body.  What can you feel, hear and smell.  Is the wind blowing gently against your face and skin?  Shift this awareness back and forth between your body and your surroundings – become a part of the world that surrounds you.

4.    Recognise and acknowledge the primal instinct.
All of us have basic human functions often referred to as primal instincts, hindbrain or reptilian brain.  The reptile bit refers more to the human brain that resembles a reptile’s brain.  This part of the brain has been with mankind for millions of years and in addition to fight, flight, freeze responses the very ancient part controls functions such as respiration and heartbeat.  Why is it important to recognise and acknowledge this very old part of us?  Because when you feel that knot in your stomach, the rapid breathing etc. you know it is a natural response to anxiety.  You are also in the position to use your intellectual, rational self to whack the reptilian brain on the head with a book and say something like “Would you just evolve, you overly dramatic creature.”  This strategy was employed by Therese Borchard (Assoc. Editor of Psych Central) and it’s a good one.

5.    Skip the dramatics…and change the scene.
While the unexamined life is not worth living, according to Seneca, there may also be an argument in favour of giving yourself a break.  It is time to get out of your head, create some distance and stop the ruminations by distracting yourself.  How about reading a good book, seeing a movie that you’ve wanted to see for ages (a comedy’s good) or catching up with some close friends for a bite to eat?  Maybe it’s time to take the dog for a walk.  He/she will be thrilled and show such gratitude for this kindness.

6.    Death to ruminations.
The ruminating brain has been described as being an engine stuck in gear and overheating.  It’s also seen by some as being a record with a crack in it which keeps playing the same music over and over again.  A good way to stop the thought process is to use the command “stop” and even use or visualise the hand gesture for stop as though you were a member of the Thought Police.   You may need to develop a set of self affirming statements to manage your thoughts.  An EFT (emotional freedom technique) is to say…”Even though I’m feeling anxious because ……….I truly and completed love and respect myself.”  There’s a lot of free information about EFT on the internet.

7.    Limit worry and cover all the bases.
In some cases, certain worries have to be faced head-on.  By thinking about them the right way you, can help eliminate ongoing, unnecessary worrying.
When you feel that your worries are out of control apply these strategies…
Cover all aspects of your worry and set a time limit of 15 minutes at least.
Reschedule a time on the calendar to review this worry. When the thought comes up again, say to yourself “Stop, I’ve already worried and I’m not going to spend more time on it now.”  Use your time more efficiently and divert your thoughts as quickly as possible to another activity.

8.    Overstate your greatest fear.
Now this may not seem a good idea at first glance, but for some people it has been known to work very effectively.  This tip was provided by a Beyond Blue reader who explained in a combox: “Tell your fear to someone else and make sure to be as dramatic as possible, with very descriptive words and emotions.  Then when you’ve told every detail you can think of, start over again.  Tell the entire dramatic story, again with very elaborate descriptions.  By the third or fourth time, it becomes a bit silly.”
I wouldn’t suggest telling the same person three or four times in a row, as you might just wear out your welcome.  But this strategy has some merit as it becomes a process of desensitisation.

9.    Air your grievances and worries in writing.
Write your concerns down and go into elaborate detail.  Really vent your spleen.  Write down every positive about the situation, then address the negative aspects.    Finally, try to make a case against moving forward. I’ll bet you’ve found a way to move forward rather than staying stuck.

10.    Take it minute to minute.
One way of relieving anxiety is to not get ahead of yourself. By using this cognitive adjustment, remind yourself that you don’t have to think about your next appointment, or when you pick up the kids or the issue you have with a friend or colleague.  Just stay in the present moment.  This way your day is accounted for in a more effective way.  Buddhists practice Mindfulness and find joy, gratitude and optimism in the present moment.  It really is about making time to ‘smell the roses.’

11.    Let’s get physical, physical….
The benefits of exercise can never be under-estimated.  The effect on your mind and body as a result of getting physical is that good endorphins flow which enhance mood and relieve anxiety.  Research has shown time and time again that exercise changes the brain.  By being active the brain produces more dopamine and serotonin, and the brain’s production of the growth hormone BDNF.  When we’re depressed the levels of this hormone plummet, so much so that parts of the brain begin to shrink over time, and learning and memory are impaired.  Thankfully, exercise helps to reverse this trend and protects the brain.  We don’t have to be into marathons to reap the benefits of exercise.  Walking, swimming, riding the bicycle, gardening – all of these will improve your wellbeing.

12.    Watching a movie of life’s events unfold.
Therapists who use practices grounded in Mindfulness and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) believe that clients can experience some relief from anxiety by gaining some distance from their thoughts, by learning to watch them as we would a movie.  Judgement is suspended and you go along for the entertainment, or to enjoy the scenery.
One technique that I find to be helpful is to see yourself in the carriage of a train and see the events that are causing the anxiety as a scene outside where you are watching from the safety of your seat.  By creating the ‘spectator’ rather than the ‘participator’ position, you gain a new perspective on issues that have led to the anxiety.  EMDR also uses eye movements to help alleviate anxiety symptoms.

13.    You’ve got to have a plan.
Where the mind constantly ruminates, a plan or course of action may be just what is needed.  The basic fundamentals include…
1.    Clearly identifying the problem
2.    List the problem solving options
3.    Select one of your options
4.    Construct (write out) a plan of action
The main thing is to stick with it and avoid endless cycles of replanning.  By using this technique the plan becomes a part of the thought stopping statement.  “Stop, I have a plan in place.”  It helps you stay grounded.

14.    Start getting into ‘mood foods.’
Often when anxiety starts to take a grip, there are telltale signs of poor dietary choices.  We all know the drill…restrict caffeine, cut out refined sugar, bad fats, processed flour; increase vegetable and fruit intake, more leafy greens, herbal teas, and water.  Makes sense doesn’t it?  There’s a lot of information available at Doctor’s surgeries, and on the internet.

15.    Heard of visual anchors?
Visual anchors are links with images/objects that bring you joy and calm the mind.  For example, if you love the water, use this image (and sound) to help you find the calmness you crave.  Perhaps you could download the sound of ‘ocean waves’ onto your iPod.   Other people may choose to look at a tree that comes into view, or the clouds.  Then, there are those who carry around a coin or medal that they hold when feeling anxious.  Have you noticed how worry beads are used by some people and are constantly in use?  It works for them.  A friend has a necklace with a cross attached, and when she’s feeling stressed or anxious, she will hold onto it until the anxiety passes.

16.    Positive Thinking.
A great way to ease your mind from anxiety is to focus your thoughts on things that are good, happy, beautiful and positive.  Give yourself permission to wish, dream, and imagine the best that could happen.  Practice being kind to yourself and to others.  Forgiveness is very strong and empowering and gives you permission to move on rather than stay stuck with past regrets.

17.    Connect with others.
It’s so important to spend time with friends and family.  By just hanging out with people you trust is beneficial to your health.  Doing things with those we feel close to deepens the bonds, offering support and security.  If anxiety starts to occur, confide in a friend who listens and cares, helps you feel more understood and makes you feel that you can cope after all.

“I’m going to love everything I do.” – Roo Stewart

18.    Sleep well, sweet dreams.
To enable your mind and body to feel peaceful and strong and with enough strength to handle life’s ups and downs, get the right amount of sleep for your needs – not too much or too little.  Once viewed only as symptoms, sleep problems may actually contribute to psychiatric disorders.  Insomnia may also be a risk factor for developing an anxiety disorder, but not as much as it is for major depression.  Neuro-imaging and neuro-chemistry studies suggest that a good night’s sleep helps foster mental and emotional resilience.  Lifestyle changes and the right medications as prescribed by your doctor are vital to nip this problem in the bud.

19.     Hereditary Factors and Personality.
Research has shown that some people with a family history of anxiety and depression are more likely (though not always) to also experience the same.
Do think about your family history and dynamics and what impact this may have on your well being.  It may be a good idea to discuss this with your doctor to rule out chemical imbalances in the brain regulating feelings and physical reactions.  Studies have also shown that certain personality types are more at risk of high anxiety than others.  People who have a tendency to be shy, who also have low self esteem and a poor capacity to cope are more likely to experience high levels of anxiety.  The positives here are that there are good practitioners available to help you on your road to recovery.

20.    Create your own mantra and maintain your sense of humour.
A mantra is your own declaration of life.  By reciting your mantra to yourself, it slowly changes the way you respond to challenges in your day.
Examples may include something like the following…

May I be filled with loving kindness
May I find the joy in all things
May I accept myself as I am in the present moment
May I accept others for their graciousness and failings
May all creatures and beings be free and live in peace

Finally, by flexing your funny bone and laughing daily, you do much more than relieve your anxiety.  Laughter and humour boost your immune system, reduce physical and psychological pain, heal wounds, fight viruses, and help build positive, sustainable relationships.  Laughter brings light into a room of shadows.

“Good humour is a tonic for mind and body.
It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression.
It is a business asset.
It attracts and keeps friends.
It lightens human burdens.
It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
– Grenville Kleiser

20 Tips On Turning Negative Into Positive Thinking

by Madeleine | Apr 22, 2015 | Positive People

There’s not a person alive who hasn’t had a time of thinking negatively. For some the move from negative to positive can be a real struggle and for others they ‘make it happen.’ Believe it or not there are some skills that we can take on board to help us become more positive. It’s time to come out of that dark cave and see the light.

1. Avoidance is not the answer.
If you are feeling negative ask yourself the why, how, who questions.
Why am I feeling this way? How long has it been going on? Who or what has made me feel this negative? You can only work on something if you see it for what it is and take ownership of your feelings.

2. Practice, Practice, Practice!
Negativity is a practiced process of thinking. It’s time to replace this way of dealing with life’s issues with something more constructive. Implementing more positive thoughts in place of the negative takes practice. It’s time to ‘flip it’ and replace a negative with a positive. ‘The glass is half empty’ is replaced with ‘the glass is half full.’

3. I love me!
Who said that we can’t have a healthy regard for ourselves? Recognise your uniqueness in this world. There is no other person like you, no-one with the same DNA, fingerprints, retina pattern. You are special and deserve to be here and loved. Have a healthy respect for yourself and your place in the scheme of things. Focus on your talents. We all have skills and abilities but when asked to identify them we can often find it difficult. Write a list of your skills/talents…you’ll be surprised, promise. Sometimes we need to enlist the help of friends to identify our strengths which is empowering in itself.

4. Lessons through the generations.
If we look back we can all identify someone in our lives or who came into our lives and made us sit up and take notice. Perhaps it was a family member, friend or mentor. What was it that we admired? Bet it wasn’t their negativity! It may well have been their determination, optimism or their humour. Was it Grandma who reassured you with her kind words…”The sun is going to come up in the morning” or a friend who reminded you “Even above the grey clouds there is light and sunshine.” Accept the wisdom and kindness of friends. Sometimes, it comes to us in the words and actions of strangers. It’s there, something positive, if we just listen and observe.

5. What your body is telling you.
Listen to what your body is telling you. Is there tension in the shoulders, constant headaches, anxiousness, tightness in the chest, feelings of tiredness, a broken sleep pattern? Try this experiment. Find something that brings you pleasure. For example, a video, a passage in a book, a song on youtube, even patting the dog or stroking the cat. How did you feel at the end of doing this? Were you feeling a little lighter? Had your mood lifted? Sometimes we just forget to look for the joy in our lives. With physical tiredness, be aware of your breathing and learn to breathe correctly, deeply and fully. If your health problems persist, make the time to visit your Doctor to rule out anything organic being the culprit. Remember, a positive mindset is your greatest asset to maintain or achieve good health.

6. Expressing Gratitude.
So often we get caught up in the daily grind of life that we forget to take time out to ‘smell the roses.’ There are so many things to be grateful for …good health, a caring partner, wonderful children, a country free from war, a roof over our head. I remember growing up where we all gave thanks for having food on the table. Gratitude needs to be practiced daily. Get into the habit!

7. Get a life.
So often we hear someone say…”I wish he/she would get a life.” There is a lot to be said for self determination. We can add or subtract from our lives. What if we added sharing our interests, visiting a person who is lonely, joining a social club, meeting friends for coffee. Life is about being a participant rather than a spectator. Not that there isn’t room to check the view but being part of life is much more fulfilling. As the saying goes…”What goes around comes around.” What are your interests? Who can you share your passion with?

8. You rescue me, I’ll rescue you.
So many people live their lives in quiet desperation. All it takes is for someone to open the door and let some ray of hope shine through. We are all social beings and it is only by sharing our lives that we can thrive. It’s the old “a problem shared is a problem halved.” So often we ruminate, go around in circles in our head…the same old same old. Time to call ‘time out!’

9. Be inspired, seek wisdom.
Is there someone that brings about a spark of enthusiasm or admiration for you? Who is it and why? What is it that they are doing that makes them stand out from the rest? What qualities can you take on board from them that will enhance your way of being? We all model ourselves on someone over the years. We are a composite of people who have made a difference to us. Just make sure they are positive, caring and supportive in what they do. There’s just such a huge list of remarkable people from all disciplines and walks of life. Apart from members of my family, Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou and Deborah-Lee Furness, to name but a few, do it for me. Who does it for you?

10. It’s all in the detail.
So often we are caught up with the endless rush of life that we forget to slow down and see the little things like that tree with its splendid golden, autumnal foliage, the old man lovingly walking his dog, or children laughing and playing in the park. It’s very easy to just sleep walk our way through life. There’s nothing wrong with dreams and plans as we all need those. However, we do need to ‘pay attention’ to the beauty that surrounds us in the here and now. Let’s live in the moment.

11. Feel the pain and do it anyway.
It’s very natural to want to avoid psychological/emotional pain, but in doing so we often just place our issues/sadness on the back burner and there it sits and simmers. One could, for example, liken it to a festering sore. What if we just examined it? How did it happen, what was the damage done, what have I done to attend to the wound/pain. Often, for a wound to heal, it has to be examined, cleaned and regular fresh dressings added to allow healing to occur. So it is with the events that cause psychological/emotional pain in our lives. Meditation, acknowledging the physical sensations, the emotions that arise, and knowing that we can bear the pain and survive is what will help us to live and thrive. The practice of Mindfulness uses such processes with great results.

12. I’ve got the power.
Let’s not forget that we all possess amazing power(s). To nurture and encourage growth of our powers we need to avoid negative influences. If a plant is starved of nutrient and deprived of water, it dies. So it is with our sense of self and our powers. We require positive energy to help us grow. Use your power of selectiveness to choose wisely. Listen to your inner voice. Use the wise adult in you to protect and defend the vulnerable (child) within you. Imagine a time where you are confronted with negative, destructive forces. What would you do to protect the child within? The defender within us needs to be activated. This is a very powerful tool. Over time you will limit your exposure to negative influences by choice.

13. Did you hear the one about…
It is absolutely essential to maintain a sense of humour, to see the funny side of life and to be able to laugh at ourselves. I’m not suggesting that we become clowns and mask our emotions but simply to gain a healthy sense of the lighter moments in life. By laughing at ourselves we develop the ability to inoculate against the more negative moments that happen in life.

14. Letting Go and When to Quit – and knowing the difference.
No, they’re not the same. It is about priorities and outcomes. As we go through our life stages, the people that we knew from our teen years may no longer meet our needs as we go into our adult years. There is the recognition that we all develop life skills at different rates. Part of this is using a selective rationale to re-assess where we are at in life. As there are toxic relationships, we need to recognise that there are also saboteurs who will endeavour to impede our progress or stifle our dreams. Is it worth the struggle to keep and maintain negative influences in our life? There are degrees in between the letting go and quitting options. This is the time where value judgements are made. Is there going to be regret or freedom to live the life you want? Consider the words of Kenny Rogers’ song “The Gambler.” We all need a code that we can live by.

A Prayer:
Grant me the ability to trust in and attract positive people into my life.
Help me form strong bonds and nurture healthy relationships.
With your help I will set appropriate boundaries, recognise Negativity and banish it from my life.
Lastly, help me to gain wisdom and understanding as I travel my own special path in life.

15. Close the chapter.
Our life is made up of so many chapters. We each have our own book of experiences and the decision on how we conclude each chapter. Is there a message to be taken through to the next chapter? What were the character’s roles? As a book needs to progress so do we. Do we move forward to an exciting new chapter or keep going back and revisiting chapters of our past? Wouldn’t it be good if we could go back and re-write those chapters that left us feeling rejected and exhausted previously. We can reframe the events that form the basis of our book and its conclusion. There is always space for books 1, 2, 3. We are the masters of our own life script.

16. Challenges, not hurdles.
There is power in words, and so it goes with thought. If we look at life as a series of challenges, a venture into an often unpredictable terrain, it requires us to be creative in how we negotiate our way. With careful preparation we will always find our true, intended destination. Be prepared to take a map with you on your journey. Find books, allies, anything that will help you through the challenges. Be assured that there are others who have gone before you and made it successfully to their destination. Get the best maps, guides and equipment. Plan your trip as best you can, be prepared as best you can. Stay informed, remain vigilant for hazards and changes in conditions along the way. We live in times where there has never been more information available at our finger tips, so utilize your resources.

17. Do the possible.
There’s a quote by Francis of Assisi. “Start by doing what’s necessary, then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” Life is about baby steps, followed by jogging, then going for the sprint. Start by doing little things, something out of your comfort zone each day or if that’s too radical once a week. In a year that’s fifty two changes to your life. It doesn’t have to be gigantic, just something little. Little changes lead to major shifts. Forget about getting the timing right because if we wait for that we will never make a move. Give it a go, you can do it. Trust yourself.

“There’s no passion to be found in playing small –
in settling for a life that is less than the one you
are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

18. Life’s battle scars.
We all have our share of battle scars. Wear them with pride. As we age we all begin to look like patchwork quilts. Life throws so much our way. We have physical and emotional scars. We are survivors! Recognise that each challenge you have met has made you unique and stronger. Yes, stronger. No one has exactly the same scars that you have. You rose to meet the challenges head on, sometimes in the battle you were knocked down, yet somehow you found the determination to get up and fight. Bravo!! Remember the warrior within you. Be prepared to stand your ground, but sometimes you need to strategically fall back to re-group. Through the many confrontations we gain additional skills. We become wiser in more ways than we can ever count. In the process of living we begin to select allies and those we can count on should life become too confronting. Again, we need to choose carefully.

19. Positives – your shopping list.
Time to go shopping! Your list is to be very special as it contains your strategies and weaponry to remain positive. What helps you to stay focused on the positives? Does it contain positive people’s details, inspirational stories, books, a fitness regimen, a quiet place to retreat to and reflect. Keep adding to your list. Use visual and auditory cues.

20. I’ve got the music in me.
Pick a song as your ‘theme song’ and memorize its words. Make it powerful, make it personal. And finally, never lose sight of the wonder of life and beauty of music. Keep dancing and moving to the music. Both are as old as time and a part of the rich, rewarding tapestry of life.

Positive People Combating Bullying and Domestic Violence

by Madeleine | Apr 22, 2015 | Positive People

Bullying, tragically, is an everyday phenomenon in schools, homes, and the workplace, yet it is widely misunderstood. In the workplace, bullying and harassment cost the Australian economy over 10 billion dollars per year. This amount does not cover the hidden costs of replacing those who leave as a result of psychological injuries and the hiring and training of replacement employees. For adults and teenagers but in particular for children the short term and long term effects of bullying include sadness, despair, stress, anxiety, destruction of trust, truancy, depression, and poor academic performance.

Victims may also suffer increased aggression, relationship and friendship difficulties, poor self esteem, which may lead in the very worst case scenario to the introduction of self harm behaviours, suicidal and homicidal thoughts and action. This litany of destruction is something that the community and society cannot afford to leave unaddressed at any level.

Bullying can be a one off event or occur repeatedly. The severity of the bullying and frequency can make the outcome more damaging. Research into bullying – both of the bully and the one targeted by the bully indicates the significant potential for severe psychological, social and mental health problems, which may well have a detrimental effect on wellbeing, social and employment success.

What is often overlooked in the bullying scene is the third participant known as the bystander. In the schoolyard, bullies will only do what bystanders allow. In the workplace staff may feel intimidated or afraid to act. Quite often the actions of the workplace bully are done more covertly, and may happen behind closed doors. According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, women are at greater risk of becoming the target of bullying male behaviour. However, when the bully is a woman, it is more likely that her target will be a woman as well.

What does bullying include?

• Hurtful comments, making fun, mocking or ridiculing
• Exclusion from school/social/workplace activities
• Threatening behaviour with implements, workplace equipment eg. knives/drills, or weapons such as knives, knuckle dusters, etc.
• Playing mind games or ‘ganging up’
• Spreading rumours, malicious gossip, photos or videos on social networks and text messaging
• Harassing calls and emails
• Nasty looks, making rude gestures, name calling, focusing with contempt on race, sex, religion, gender or disability.
• Intentional and repeated physical attacks which include, pushing, shoving, tripping, grabbing, wrestling, or invasion of personal space etc.
• Destruction of personal/work belongings and property
• Initiation or ‘hazing’ rituals where behaviours will humiliate and intimidate the victim, and are personally and socially unacceptable to the victim.

What more do we know about bullying?

Child bullies:

• Studies show that victimized children often suffer mental health problems, particularly anxiety and depression which endure into adulthood.
• Bullies can be perceived as popular because they are socially dominant, however their peers often do not like them.
• Studies have also shown that bullies lack positive social behaviour, are unable to understand others’ feelings, and appear untroubled by anxiety. Basically, they appear to lack empathy and insight into the plight of their victims.
• Children who persistently bully often experience strained relationships with parents and peers. They have little trust in people generally. Also identified is that they often come from a harsh, punitive home environment.
• While bullies may achieve what they want short term, in the long term as their aggression increases, their social desirability is eroded. They tend to associate with similar deviant children with a negative outcome for all involved.
• Bullying is not your garden type aggression: It is a deliberate and repeated attempt to cause harm to those who are vulnerable and perceived as having less power.

Adult/Workplace bullies:

• The workplace bully will move from one target to another, and whose depravity is only restricted by the knowledge that they have to appear ‘normal’ to fit in among civilised people.
• They cannot be identified by their status, but by their actions.
• In positions of authority they may exclude or isolate a victim from co-workers.
• Workplace bullies may withhold information deliberately, remove responsibility from a worker, delegate menial tasks, and employ the strategy of negative criticism.
• Intimidation may be the bully’s weapon of choice.
• They often have a Jekyll and Hyde nature. Charming one minute, spiteful and nasty the next.
• The workplace bully will exploit the needs of the organisation and individual for personal gain.
• Bullies damage the reputation of people and organisations and are convincing liars.
• Bullies react to criticism with…denial, retaliation, feigned victimhood, and often blame the victims for their plight.
• Like Teflon nothing appears to stick to the Workplace bully who miraculously appears to be immune from disciplinary action.
• Workplace bullies are attracted to positions of authority where they have access to employees who may become the focus of the bully’s attention .
• Bullies often feel threatened by colleagues who exhibit positive traits such as competence, integrity and popularity. The bully often projects his/her own inadequacy and incompetence onto potential rivals (targeted victims).

Bullying myths

Myth: Bullies come from a background of abuse.

Long term research and studies of young children who experienced abuse in preschool show that they become victims – not bullies – who have little control over their emotions.

Myth: Bullies strive for power because they feel powerless.

Bullies use aggression in a premeditated, calculated, dominating way to ensure they get what they want, and in most cases this works. A vast number of children experiment with power tactics early in their childhood years but relinquish such strategies in their adolescence.

Myth: The best way to deal with a bully is to fight back.

Physically confronting a bully is strategically placing oneself in the weaker position and encourages the bully to continue. By being assertive and walking away the confrontation and potential for aggression is reduced significantly.

Myth: Bullying is a problem for schools, families and workplaces to solve.

Bullying is a societal problem and must be dealt with proactively to ensure inappropriate behaviours are addressed sooner rather than later so that anti-social patterns are not reinforced.

Myth: Cyber bullying is a recent phenomenon.

Cyber bullying is a flow on of local peer group dynamics and pressure using a medium that is readily accessible and reaches a broad audience. Think of it as text messages rather than wedgies. Most at risk are those who are isolated and lonely and use the internet as their primary source of communication.

20 Tips for Positive People Combating Bullying

1. Report the incident

Before the matter gets out of hand or the bullying becomes an established pattern, report the matter to a person in authority – senior management, workplace union representative, teacher, principal, parent or friend.

2. Seek advice and educate yourself on the subject of bullying.

Plan for action by learning all you can about bullying, post traumatic stress disorder and specific types of bullying. Seek legal advice if needed and check out the laws relating to bullying and harassment.

3. You’ve got to have a plan.

Keep a journal of incidents, conversations, allegations, criticisms, dates and document what action was taken and by whom. Keep a copy of letters, memos, emails, anything that will support your case. Look for a pattern of incidents – bullies usually apply similar tactics that have proven to be effective over time.

4. What’s their position on bullying and harassment?

Obtain a copy of the employer’s, or school’s anti bullying and harassment policy. If you are denied a copy then seek legal, union, or department advice on the matter.

5. It’s not what is seems.

Do not under estimate the bully’s capacity to deceive and manipulate colleagues, parents, peers, persons in authority.

6. Speak up or forever hold your peace.

Speak to the offender about how you feel and request they stop. If they appear menacing, stand up straight and say ‘leave me alone.’ Hold your hand out and say ‘stop it.’ Move away to a crowded area where you can be safe.

Stay calm.   If the situation is within the family home seek refuge in a place where you will be safe from harm. It is most important to have a contingency plan.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

7. It’s time we met.

Arrange a meeting with the person and have another (third) party present. In the case of meeting at a school, have the teacher, principal, offending party, as well as an advocate to assist. Ensure all documentation is presented including a copy of current legislation/legal directives on bullying and harassment.

8. Doctor and specialist support.

If a doctor or specialist has assisted you with medical advice, medications, and completed reports of psychological, physical and emotional ramifications as a result of the bullying, ensure that copies are provided at the time of meeting with the other party or seeking redress.

9. The blame game.

Often the victim/survivor of bullying is made to feel shame, embarrassment, guilt and fear. This is a very normal reaction, although misplaced and inappropriate. Tactics of control include instilling guilt and fear in the victim.

By using such strategies all abusers, including child sex abusers, control and silence their victims.

10. Naivety is the greatest enemy.

It is conservatively estimated that one person in thirty is a serial bully who exhibits sociopathic traits. This is most evident in the workplace. It is important to be able to recognise and see the disordered personality behind the mask. The serial bully has a completely different mindset and will not change – except to hone their skills of deception, manipulation and evasion of accountability.

11. Please explain.

As stated previously, record everything in writing. It is important that   correspondence include substantive and quantifiable evidence.  Quite often the bully’s criticisms and allegations are founded on distortion, blame and fabrication. In other words they are an opinion or fabrication on the part of the bully for the purpose of control.

12. Establish a support network.

Bullies separate and isolate their target and may go so far as to cause conflict and division within the victim’s circle of friends, family or colleagues. Often the bully will play on their vulnerabilities. You may see your colleagues or school friends distance themselves or simply melt away because they are frightened to be the next target of the bully.

13. Educating the targets of bullying.

Those who are targeted by bullies often have to educate those who are or should be supporting them. Information on how to do this is available on the internet. Try Bully Online

14. Record incidents in the Accident or Incident Book.

In cases of sickness, absence or ill-health due to stress as a result of the actions of a bully, record it in the accident or incident book. This ensures that the bullying is officially registered and logged. Inform the school principal or employer in writing that a person’s bullying behaviour has resulted in     physical or mental health concerns. Should victimization occur as a result of this course of action, consult a lawyer.

15. If the bullying becomes public.

If the bully makes unwarranted criticisms in public or it appears on record, it may require a solicitor’s letter to the bully pointing out that they and their actions are subject to the laws of libel, slander and defamation of character.

16. The emotional backlash of bullying.

There are common emotions and feelings that come about as a result of bullying. These may include..

• Hopelessness and feeling stuck
• Alone with no one to help
• Guilt at having done something wrong
• Depressed and rejected by friends, family, or colleagues
• Afraid and unsafe
• Shame that this has occurred and being targeted
• Confused and stressed at being singled out

17. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.

The serial bully at work is a serial bully at home and in the community. The objectives of the bully are power, control, domination and submission. The means employed include disempowerment, manipulation, isolation, ritual humiliation and constant denial of being accountable in any way.

Additionally control is maintained over finances, movements of the victim, enforced isolation, the choice of friends, and employment. Disempowerment is the ultimate goal.

18. Bullies, victims and domestic violence in the home.

Bullying and domestic violence are related and often when experienced in the home go unreported. It comes as no surprise that recent studies have identified the link between violence and bullying. Children exposed to violence in the home engage in higher levels of physical bullying outside the home. These children learn negative behaviours from seeing what their primary care givers do and how they interact. Other experts view these children as victims acting out by physical and psychological means as a form of defence.

Strategies against bullying may include…

• Gathering strength and asserting power
• Focusing on safety at a personal and child protection level
• Harnessing of maximum power which can include contacting police, obtaining a restraining/intervention order, alternative short and long term accommodation.

• Developing a safety plan with the children
• If staying in the family home change the locks, install safety devices to secure windows, the garage door, and include smoke detectors etc.
• Alerting authorities and security at schools and day care about the current situation and who is authorised to pick up the children.
• Telling the neighbours/landlord that the abuser no longer lives in the house, and police can be notified if he is seen near the home.
• Devising a code word to use with the children, family and friends when the police are needed.
• Teaching the children how to use the telephone to contact someone they trust. This also includes contacting police and the fire department.
• In the case of arguments, trying to move to an open area of low risk with access to an exit from the house.
• Leaving money, spare keys and extra clothing with a person you trust.
• Keeping copies of important legal and financial documents (perhaps leaving some of them with a responsible, trusted friend).
• Having a different bank and bank account to increase independence.
• Installing sensor lights around the outside of the house.
• Informing your employer and security supervisor of the situation.
• Screening telephone calls at home and work.
• Vary shopping and home/work routines and motoring/transport routes.
• Adding emergency phone numbers into ‘contacts’ of the mobile phone.
• If uncertainty exists about safety, ensure that someone travels with you to and from work, during outings and lunch breaks. Always let someone know of your destination, and expected time of arrival.

19. When you leave you will need to have…

• Personal identification and passport
• Children’s birth certificate
• Copy of your birth certificate
• Social security cards
• Money
• Cheque book, ATM cards, Credit cards
• Keys – house/car/office
• Driver’s licence and vehicle registration
• Welfare identification and related paperwork
• Medication
• Medical records – for all the family members
• Legal documents eg. Divorce papers, intervention orders
• Bank books, insurance papers
• Rental/lease agreement, house deed/title, mortgage details
• Address book
• Jewellery, photos, items of sentimental value
• Children’s favourite toys and blankets
• Small saleable objects
• Clothing for self and children

20. Put responsibility for bullying where it belongs.

So often partners, employees, or children blame themselves when they are the target of bullying. They falsely believe they must have done something wrong to incur the wrath of the bully. Bullying is a choice made by the bully and society must enforce the stance that morally, legally and socially it is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. For every action there is a consequence.

          “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important.” – Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon

“If you don’t have a hero be your own hero.”

Positive People Battling Suicidal Tendencies

by Madeleine | Apr 22, 2015 | Positive People

It is not my intention to minimize the matter of suicide as it is a very complex and personal challenge for a vast number of individuals that make up our society. Thousands of people in each country take their own lives every year. This doesn’t take into account the number of attempted suicides, or those that think about it constantly. Suicide is a relentless seductress and should be viewed that way. However, we have the power within us to halt this determined entity and by joining with positive forces (friends, family, health professionals) the impact is minimised significantly to a point where she may even be stopped dead in her tracks. Now wouldn’t that be something.

The reality is that suicidal thoughts are a very common occurrence. There are so many incidents and accidents that make us feel as though someone has stabbed us in the heart and the pain is unbearable.

Into the mix of what emotions or triggers can cause suicidal thoughts comes helplessness, hopelessness, anxiety, depression, loss of inspiration, feelings of unworthiness, fear, loss/lack of faith, death of a loved one, bullying, isolation, illness, guilt, homelessness, abuse, substance abuse, addictions, alienation, powerlessness, worthlessness, captivity and oppression.

No doubt we can all identify with the emotions and remember a time in our lives where we have fought to stay grounded and continue with life. That’s the important fact in all of this… we have survived a terrible time in our lives. We did it and continue to be warriors against the forces that would take our life. Positive people can have times of feeling beaten by life yet make the choice to continue because somehow they know instinctively that the situation will change. Life and the moment will change. We still continue to breathe, walk, talk, feel the sun, wind and rain on our skin. Our feelings of pain and helplessness will pass. The obvious answer – reach out when the first signs of ‘suicidal thoughts’ start to occur. But when we are in ‘that space’ it often can be a tall order to seek support or guidance.
For many it is the last taboo, and makes many a person uncomfortable as it goes against our greatest instinct…that of survival.

“Failure is an event, never a person.” – Zig Ziglar

So, what can we learn and do to help minimise this creeping negative influence from taking a foothold in our lives? What are some of the tips from fellow survivors and current thoughts that are worthy of consideration?

20 Tips for Positive People Battling Suicidal Tendencies

1. Step on Suicide’s toes.
By realising that there is a vast corridor between thought and action you can gain the upper hand by stepping on suicide’s toes. Put the brakes on and give yourself breathing space of say at least 24 hours, ideally a week and then re-evaluate.

2. Hope is your champion – let her do battle for you.
Hope will help you realise that there is light in the darkness and she will shield you if you give her permission to do so. Hope will be there day in and day out. She realises that tomorrow is another day and a chance to defeat suicide and her accomplice depression. Hope and her allies will rally the army if you give them a chance ie. friends, family, counsellors, advisors, physicians, whoever you think could help you and Hope to gain the upper hand.

3. Defend yourself at your home and be safe.
Self harm in all its forms will come to mind when you are contemplating suicide. Make your home safe by removing items such as pills/medication, drugs, toxic substances, alcohol, knives, guns, razors – anything that would be deemed as a risk to your safety. If you feel that you can’t trust yourself with tablets, lock them in a safe place and give the key (or the tablets) to a trusted friend and ally. If you are uncertain about your safety then retreat to a friend’s place or seek refuge. Reach out and protect yourself against suicidal tendencies.

4. Just a little drink…to settle the nerves.
If you feel tempted to turn to alcohol and drugs to ‘lighten the load’ then you will find that it does the exact opposite. Alcohol exacerbates depression and drugs can make any risk behaviours/thoughts even more pronounced and may lead you into a much darker place. If you are on medication then continue to use it in accordance with your Doctor’s directions. It may also be a good time to contact your Doctor to see what modifications can be made to your scripts and health care plan. Again, use your allies to fight against depression and suicidal thoughts/actions.

5. Share the load.
Devise an action plan that you can bring into play when you are having suicidal thoughts, feelings, and finding it difficult to cope. Who would you trust to be on your list of contacts….friend(s), family, therapist, doctor, coach, clergy, a mental health practitioner, telephone support line. You are deserving of help and support. If a friend reached out to you how would you respond? Of course you would do all you could, so why deny yourself the same? People need people. If it all seems overwhelming a strategy may be to write down your thoughts and the causes of your feelings. As part of an action plan you may think about sharing the details with someone you trust while you are feeling vulnerable. In this way someone knows what exactly is happening to you from a psychological and emotional point.

6. Problems are challenges and not a life sentence.
In every stage of our development there will be challenges that surface. Step back and take the ‘personal’ out of it. Crises come along to be addressed through creative thinking and a plan of action. If you take yourself out of the equation and see it as ‘out there’ rather than internalising it you have a better chance of looking at it more clearly. In other words, take yourself out of the well and place the negative thoughts in the well instead. Imagine looking into the well and working on it constructively rather than carrying it around like a beast of burden.

7. No one seems to understand.
Always question this kind of thinking. Never, never, ever give up on finding your voice and seeking out the help you deserve. If you find that the person you have chosen to talk to doesn’t seem to understand, then turn to someone else. There are many experienced members in the community such as specially trained staff in various organisations or those at a crisis helpline such as Lifeline. So many agencies are there to offer you support if you only let them in.

“Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will have crossed the mountain.” – Author Unknown

8. Routine – it helps.
Try and keep to a daily routine as much as you can without it becoming boring. By writing up a schedule of activities it helps you to remain focused in a time of chaotic thinking or when experiencing feelings of being out of control.

9. Make time to smell the roses and enjoy the sun.
Make it your mission to get outdoors and enjoy nature’s splendour for at least 30 minutes a day. Every season has its beauty if you just take the time to look. Use your senses – feel the sun on your face, wind in your hair, the taste of the salty sea air on your tongue. Smell the rain as it mixes with the scent of the pines. The flora and fauna are all there on view and it’s free!

10. Let’s get physical.
Take time to exercise every day. Pick up the pace and get the heart pumping and get your body moving. By exercising as little as 30 minutes per day you are releasing the good mood endorphins into your blood stream. As an added bonus, your dog will shower you with love and be a very enthusiastic companion.

11. Alone again, naturally.
The challenge when you’re feeling depressed and thinking about suicide is to break out of your solitude. By allowing your mind to play and stew on issues it reinforces negative thoughts. Get out of the house! Go and visit friends, see a good (happy) movie, visit your local botanic gardens, take off to the local shopping mall; whatever it takes to change the current negatively charged atmosphere.

12. Don’t reinforce the pain.
Avoid doing things that will only make you feel worse. For example, sad music, looking at photos of passed loved ones, ex partners, or visiting the cemetery. As mentioned before, trying to drown your sorrow with alcohol only heightens depression.

13. Find your bliss.
It really is important to indulge in the activities that you enjoy. Watch a movie that made you happy previously or seek out a new one, read a book that inspired you or look for a new addition to your library. Get out with a friend and enjoy a meal at your favourite café. If you are into crafts or the arts ensure you continue to cultivate your passion or explore the potential of a new interest.

14. It’s elementary Watson.
Take on a new case – the new case is…you. Time to identify the triggers and situations that reinforce your sense of negativity. It’s important to ask yourself the who, what, where, when, why, how questions as an investigator and researcher into your own wellbeing. Write down your findings and what solutions you can bring into play. The game is afoot! Gradually address your conclusions and implement strategies to make your feel whole again.

15. And you think you’ve got problems.
Think about doing some volunteer activities, or work that gives you a sense of purpose and meaning. It can be sobering to see how others continue to challenge the perception of limitations. Just one word of caution and that is to not overdo the volunteering as this is about you looking after yourself and not becoming worn out by being supportive to others. If you take care of yourself then you can take care of others.

“When it’s darkest, we can see the stars.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

16. Stress Less.
There are two types of stress, one that can motivate and the other one that can immobilize. By finding healthy ways to keep your stress levels under control, using strategies such as exercising, relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, meditation, questioning and challenging self defeating thoughts the road will be that much easier.

17. I have a dream.
Everyone should have a ‘bucket list’ of things they would like to do and achieve in their life. But, don’t wait until you reach old age or illness occurs to take the opportunity to live your dreams. Set up a list of personal goals that you would like to complete. Some may be short term goals and others more long term. If you have a partner then both of you should write your own personal list and share your thoughts with the other. In this manner you can work together to bring out the best in each other so that dreams become reality.

18. Silence and Stigma.
Survivors of suicide highlight the need for the silence and stigma to end. One woman noted that this secrecy “just reinforces the idea that attempting suicide was weird, isolating and shameful. We need to have a voice.”
In the U.S. suicide attempt survivors are being recognised and utilized as a valuable resource in the battle to help others who are struggling with suicidal tendencies. Another woman offers this advice…”To anyone feeling overwhelmed by life, I’d say write about it, draw about it, scream about it. If people don’t listen, tell someone else.”

19. One day at a time.
So often people lead quiet lives of desperation and live in isolation. If there are no support services in your area then a plan of action may be to think about reaching out into the community to do something about this mental health issue in your community. One mother and daughter team began a depression support team once they felt they had recovered sufficiently. At the first meeting there were 45 people. “What I say to anybody feeling overwhelmed is, hang on and keep breathing, take one day at a time and get yourself some good support.”

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important.” – Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon

20. Maintain your sense of identity and spiritual connections.
It is vital that you recognise and accept that you have the right to be healthy, happy and to lead a rewarding life. Today people are always skimming the surface of life rather than moving to the depth of a deeper, hidden self. By practicing mindfulness and connecting with the spiritual self we can fill the
‘spiritual gap.’ Our mission is to find the sacred in ourselves and in all living things. By introducing mindfulness, we practice moment to moment awareness, being non judgemental, and learn acceptance. The goal is to see your thoughts as mental (cognitive) events rather than facts. So much is available now on mindfulness and practices to make us more aware of the authentic self.

“Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees
and the stars: you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you no doubt the universe
is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive
Him to be; and whatever your labours and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with yourself.
With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still
a beautiful world.”
– Max Ehrmann (Desiderata)