How to Handle Toxic People/Family Members?

by Madeleine | Jun 2, 2022 | Positive People

Positive Strategies To Boost Confidence and Self Esteem

by Madeleine | Jun 25, 2018 | Positive People

“Nothing builds self esteem and self confidence like accomplishment.”

-Thomas Carlyle

Low self esteem (and lack of confidence) can be deeply rooted in.. traumatic life experiences, ill health and negative life events.  All can lead to a lack of self control.

Additionally, where discrimination in all it forms is experienced, this too can lead to a crash in self confidence and self esteem.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

-Peggy O’Mara

The link or relationship between low self esteem, mental health and dis-ease is a complex matter, often exhibited in forms of depression and may manifest in other disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder.  

People who experience low self esteem/confidence often view the world as a hostile place, and in turn view themselves as victims of this hostility.  For some individuals this may lead to a withdraw from social interaction, feelings of powerlessness to change their circumstances, and at worst a spiral further into ‘the abyss,’ of despondency,  feeling lost and broken.

Fortunately, there are strategies that can be implemented quite easily, and help ie good counselling is also readily available.  

For the moment, let’s look at some strategies to address these challenges to a positive life.  Gradually introduce some of these into your daily life and try to practice them regularly until they become ‘second nature.’  By remaining objective will help with the transition process.

F.L.Y.    First Love Yourself.  Others will come next.

20 Strategies to boost self esteem and self confidence:

1. Think positively about yourself and the world.  Everyone has positive qualities.  You have the right to be accepted, respected and valued.
2. Draw up two lists –
   • 1) Personal Strengths    
   • 2) Personal Achievements
     Use your circle of friends (or people you admire) to contribute, provide support and feedback in carrying out of this task.
3. Challenge the distorted views/opinions you or others have of you.  Where’s the evidence to support such distorted views/opinions?  Quite often individuals repeat patterns of negative thought. Halt the ruminations and call it for what it is.  For example, “The Old Hag” of putdowns has appeared. Visualize and plan 100 ways (..OK maybe 10) to deal with this intrusive “Old Hag.”  Visualize running her down in a car, pushing her out of a plane (no parachute), flushing her down the toilet…. You get my drift!
4. Eat healthily – Strive for a balanced diet.  Eat slowly and mindfully, in peace and with no distractions.  Recognise that alcohol must be controlled. Alcohol may dull the pain initially but the outcome is that it acts as a depressant leaving you feeling flat and despondent.
5. Occupy your mind with creative/artistic endeavours – follow your passions, learn new skills.  Do the things you enjoy. It’s time to bring some joy to your life.
6. Exercise regularly eg. walking, cycling and some vigorous exercise (to make you sweat).  Not only will you feel better for it (after the initial aches and pains) but you’ll find your clothes just look better on you somehow.
7. Take pride in your personal appearance and practice good hygiene.  A bath or shower gives one a chance to wash away the concerns of the day.  Water therapy has many beneficial properties to it. Clean clothes (ironed skirt/shirt) help you to be more prepared to meet the day.  It says “I care about myself.”
8. Ensure you get enough sleep.  Avoid caffeine and alcohol at night.  No TV in the bedroom. Maintain a strict bedtime routine.  End your thoughts on a positive note. Still the ruminating mind with “Time to sleep and I’m going to dream happy dreams.”
9. Manage your stress levels.  Walk, meet friends, see an uplifting movie, or simply get a massage.  It’s time to nurture and be kind to yourself.
   

   “Inhale Confidence…Exhale Doubt.”

10. Give your home/apartment a makeover.  Declutter, tend to the garden or buy some new pieces for your home.  It doesn’t have to be expensive, just little things.
11. Count your blessings.  Yes, there are some! Go out and meet or observe people in the shopping arcade or café.  You will see mothers with their children, seniors laughing, smiling and enjoying the company of friends.  Life may have its challenges, but the beauty of life is in the small details. Strike up a conversation. Talk to the person sitting on the bench with their dog.
12. Do some volunteer work.  So many would welcome your assistance and company.  It’s a great way to make new friends and form special bonds.
13. Make an effort to stay in touch with loved ones.  We have a history, we have a present and a future.  Keeping in touch with friends/loved ones is one of the great joys in life.  
14. Avoid people that treat you badly and places that make you feel uncomfortable or those that make you question your value.  Life is too short.  You choose what you want/don’t want in your newly defined life;  it’s direction and destination.
    

    “Feelings are much like waves, we cannot stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.” –Jonatan Martensson

15. Surround yourself with positive people.  Have you ever noticed how people gravitate towards positive, optimistic and happy people?  It is contagious. We learn to model ourselves on others, make yours constructive rather than destructive.  
16. Practice positive self talk.  Encourage and train your brain to focus on positive ideas, images and beliefs.  When negativity creeps in, reframe your thoughts, create another ‘lens’ to view the situation using strengths, capabilities and positivity.  
17. You control the power to change your brain.  Neuroplasticity ie the brain changing throughout life through reorganisation of structure, function and connections.  Through this process new pathways are created in the brain which affect behaviour. When negative or invasive thoughts begin…consider using:
    • Actions :   Stomping, shaking your hands
    • Symbols: Write a mistake on a piece of paper and burn it.
      Stop thinking about failure and your brain stops treating you as a failure.
18. Create achievable goals that guarantee personal/relationship success.
19. Practice, practice, practice.  Ensure you are prepared and try again.  Repetition of good habits, effective communication and self validating self talk must be practiced.  Don’t give up.
20. Fear stops us from taking Action.  Fear can be complicated.  There’s the defence mechanisms ..Fight, Flight or Freeze.  Recognise that these feelings are not real, they are a reaction.  Familiarize yourself with your fear triggers. Talk about it (self talk) and seek guidance from someone you admire and respect.  Ask yourself “Where’s the evidence?” Seek counsel about your concerns. Set yourself up for success rather than the negative action of thinking about mistakes.  Become solution focused and future directed. It’s time to go from Victim -> Survivor –> to…Thriver!

“Health is the greatest possession.  Contentment is the greatest treasure.  Confidence is the greatest friend.”
-Lao Tzu

Resilient Children Through Positive Parenting

by Madeleine | Aug 24, 2017 | Positive People

Parenting is as crazy as circumnavigating the world without a map…but, oh, what a journey!

Parenting has never been more challenging than now.  Living in a fast-paced, hectic world with combined challenges of such things as new technology, rapidly changing family dynamics, a 24/7 news cycle and an overwhelming educational system – all these in combination raise unrealistic expectations in individuals and parents. 

What are some of the challenges faced by parents?

• Balancing parenthood and career and finding time to do justice to both.
• Disciplining children effectively.
• Promoting and guarding independence in children – a fine line in an often dangerous world.
• The costs of raising children in an uncertain economic climate.
• Being a single/sole parent and having enough support/help.
• Ensuring that children receive a good, quality education.
• Reigning in unreasonable expectations of parents and children themselves.
• Dealing with bedtime routines and the ensuing hassles.
• Managing consumerism in today’s consumer-centric society.
• Fostering and also guarding against technological influences.

“Kids are like a mirror, what they see and hear they do. Be a good reflection for them.”

-K. Heath

Sharing some of the insights on parenting…

1. Even though there is a parents’ knowledge, often as a parent there is the  letting go of personal judgement ie. the forgetting that “parenting is a role, not a race to the finish line.”
2. Children need to be respected for being the individuals that they are with differing abilities and interests.
3. Our social relationships/connections are the biggest predictors of life satisfaction.  This is achieved through ‘empathy’ –a parent’s ability to raise children in tribes and settings where playtime is fostered to enhance social learning, creativity and understanding.
4. Questioning whether ‘scheduling’ children so that they are kept busy and thereby becoming the best at their endeavours, is acting in their best interests. Whose expectations are being met?
5. Are the decisions on ‘inclusion’ being made out of a sense of anxiety and guilt?
6. In this arena of competitive parenting are parents’ expectations and the ‘bars’ of what constitutes ‘success’ being set too high?
7. Children need to have the freedom to be just that, children.  In the parent’s efforts to hyper-parent, studies indicate that it can lead to depression and has destructive consequences in adolescents.
8. Happiness for your children has no curriculum and is reliant on so many things which are different for each child/individual.
9. As a parent the very best that can be done is to protect, support and love your children, unconditionally.
10. Whilst technology shouldn’t be discouraged, it does require vigilance and children being taught responsibility to use these tools wisely.  The goal in doing so is to increase education and skills acquisition.  Checking text histories and setting parental controls should be enforced, as does age restrictions to access certain networks.
11. Older generations will argue technology is destroying conversation; younger generations will argue technology is enhancing it.  It really shouldn’t be an either, or, debate.  Both have a place in a fast changing world.  Creating safe opportunities where both come into play is the desired outcome, while respect of the person is maintained.
12. Technology can be used for consumption and creative, or destructive endeavours.  Helping children to know the difference is a parent’s responsibility in raising healthy, well adjusted and resilient children.
13. Self worth should never be calculated by ‘likes, shares and retweets.’  Self worth is to be found elsewhere in how individuals/or a child treats others in their family, social network and the community generally.
14. Children should not believe everything that they see or read on the internet.  There is the façade of happiness and success with the compulsion towards consumerism being the ultimate goals in life or measure of personal self worth.

Recently an article was brought to my attention and it was disturbing reading to say the very least.  In ‘The silent tragedy affecting today’s children’ written by Victoria Prooday, Occupational Therapist, May 24, 2017, Victoria highlights that there is a steady increase in children’s mental illness, which is now reaching epidemic proportions.

Researchers (over a 15 year period of studies) concluded that children continue to live and exist in a devastating state emotionally.

• 1 in 5 children has mental health problems
• 43% increase in ADHD
• 37% increase in teen depression
• 200% increase in the suicide rate in children 10-14 years old

The good news is that it has been scientifically proven that the brain has the capacity to rewire itself through the environment.  ‘Unfortunately, with the environment and parenting styles that we are providing to our children we are rewiring their brains in a wrong direction and contributing to their challenges in everyday life.’

What is wrong?

Basically, what has been stated above is reinforced in Victoria’s article.  There were some points that are worth noting as being fundamental to raising healthy children…

• Emotionally available parents
• Responsibilities
• Balanced nutrition and adequate sleep
• Movement outdoors
• Creative play, social interaction, opportunities for unstructured times and boredom

Victoria adds…

Instead, children are being served with:

• Digitally distracted parents
• Indulgent parents who let kids “Rule the world”
• Sense of entitlement rather than responsibility
• Inadequate sleep and unbalanced nutrition
• Sedentary indoor lifestyle
• Endless stimulation, technological babysitters, instant gratification, and absence of dull moments

Are you feeling the heat yet?

Relax.  You know, parents who are emotionally available is the primary consideration in good parenting.  The other issues on the checklist as mentioned above could be introduced fairly quickly.  There is nothing that can’t be addressed without some thought and preparation.

Suggestions include…

• Spend one hour a day in the outdoors: walking, biking, playing in the park, watching the birds/insects, dogs at play.  It’s all about communicating enthusiastically with the children.
• Play a board game daily if possible.  Reading is a winner as it fosters enquiry, imagination,  and promotes reading skills – particularly if each takes turns in reading out loud.  
• Enjoy a daily technology-free family dinner.  This is family time to talk about what’s happened – check-in-time for family wellbeing.
• Involve children in family chores – they need to be responsible for some aspect of the running of a household.  Examples could be… folding laundry, hanging clothes, unpacking groceries, packing away toys, drying of dishes. An important chore is feeding the pets….it’s so important to raise children appreciating the role of the family pet, the need for kindness and love.
• Implement a consistent night time/sleep routine with no technology access available in the room.
• In a bid to foster responsibility and independence, children need to learn skills so that they can overcome the challenges that life brings – the small ones leading to the greater ones.
  • Children to pack and carry their own backpack
  • If a child hasn’t packed in their lunch, don’t rush to school with it (your child won’t die of starvation or malnutrition).
    You could have a contingency plan is case this occurs where your child approaches the teacher or tuckshop attendant. Peeling a banana for a 5 year old isn’t teaching them skills.
• Boredom is the time when creativity is awakened.  It’s OK for children to experience this…delayed gratification isn’t a crime.
• Avoid technology during meals, in the car, restaurants and shopping malls.  It’s time to foster the senses, take in the sights, sounds, smells, the steady movement of the people.    This sharpens observation skills.
• Parent’s are not their child’s entertainment crew.  Nurture creativity, imagination, planning through to the execution stage of projects.
• Being a child’s emotional coach is what is needed desperately today.  Teaching children to recognise and deal with frustration and anger properly, learning social etiquette – greetings, sharing, table manners, and conversation skills.  Learning how to connect emotionally – hugs, kisses, smiles, tickles, dancing, jumping – physical hands-on connections.

“Treat a child as though he already is the person he’s capable of becoming.”

-Haim Ginott

The final word on developing resilience in children –

Out of home activities which include volunteering, playing sport, doing paid and unpaid work encourages resilience in children.  Groundbreaking research in the US (Yale University) has shown that families can reduce the impact of adverse events such as divorce, family violence, and death by developing children’s skills and experiences outside the home.  

The survey author, Dr. Tammie Kwong, who drew on a survey of 63,000 boys and girls, found that one in three children aged 12-17 were flourishing, despite facing three or more adverse events.  The difference was the time they spent on activities outside home.  

According to Dr. Kwong, “Positive social connections appear to help youths define individual identities, provide them with a sense of belonging and attachment, and offer important opportunities to learn healthy adaptive responses to adverse experiences.”

Leading Australian psychologist, Jodie Benveniste would most likely concur with these findings and states “..introducing children to new people and situations, helps them develop new skills and capabilities.”

“Trust yourself.  You know more than you think you do.”

-Benjamin Spock

Parents are the sun, moon and stars to their children.  The planets, comets and stars beyond the galaxy are their social connections.  The journey has many challenges.. and the future awaits with new beginnings.

Internet Addiction – Controlling The Habit

by Madeleine | Aug 24, 2017 | Positive People

“Addiction begins with the hope that something ‘out there’ can instantly fill up the emptiness inside.”

-Jean Kilbourne

It is very easy to take internet usage at face value.  However, Internet Addiction has been diagnosed as a new clinical disorder that causes relational, occupational, and social problems.  This compulsion is a global issue that begins in the early formative years and continues through to adulthood, middle age and beyond . Given the popularity of the Internet, detecting and diagnosing Internet addiction is often difficult as its legitimate business and personal use mask addictive behaviour (Young, 2010). A study in the US estimated that nearly one in eight Americans exhibits one possible sign of problematic Internet usage.  It is most likely that this is a global trend.

The change in technology brings with it new challenges and problems.  As the Internet rapidly moved into homes, schools and businesses, early studies estimated that nearly 6% of users suffered from Internet addiction and this may very well be the tip of the iceberg as reliance on computers and mobile phones continues to increase.  We work, find love, friends, and entertainment via the internet as well.  All of which is very appealing.   

What are some of the symptoms of Internet Addiction?

• Preoccupation with the internet
• An inability to control usage
• Hiding or lying about the behaviour to family, friends and employers
• Psychological withdrawal – switching off from what’s going on around you
• Continued use despite consequences of the behaviour
• Feeling restless, irritable, depressed or moody when not using the internet
• Jeopardizing relationships, employment/work, and education opportunities because of internet use
• Using the internet as a way of escaping reality and problems, relieving negative feelings or depressed mood
• Losing track of time
• A sense of euphoria when online and panic when offline
• Feelings of guilt at the amount of time spend on line
• Physical discomfort – back pain, dry eyes, weight gain, sleep disturbances
• Reduction in time communicating with family members and cessation of social activities with loved ones – all of which need nurturing for relationships to thrive
• Denial of internet habit with the rationalizing that it is part of the job or study requirement
  

  Addiction is a family disease… one person may use,
  but the whole family suffers.

Tips for tackling Internet Addiction:

• Set a time for your internet usage.  Use a clock with an alarm if you need to
• Set goals as to what you wish to achieve on the internet – be specific in these goals and the time allocated.  Stick to it.
• Ask yourself “Is what I am doing on the internet eroding that time my family and I get to spend together?”  
• There is life beyond the internet.  Instead of going online, take a walk, read a book, call a friend or visit someone you haven’t seen for a time.
• Lead by example when it comes to teaching your children about responsible internet usage.   Ask yourself…”What is that I want my children to learn about the internet and mobile phones?”  
• Learn to develop coping skills – to deal with stress, frustration, anger and other emotions.
• See a therapist who uses Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and can help you through this challenging time of dealing with internet addiction.  
• Call a hotline or seek out a support group.  You are not alone.
• If family voice their concern about the time you spend on the internet, it is because they care.  They deserve the time to be heard.
• Internet settings/strategies:
  • Turn off unnecessary notifications
  • Keep your screen simple and clean
  • Only have one program open at a time
  • Use a news aggregator which allows you to look at your favourite websites in one place.
     eg. Feedly and Digg Reader
• Delete unused or useless accounts
• Download or buy an internet-blocking app which will restrict internet time.
• Develop new hobbies – there’s a whole world of activities for you to enjoy.
• Test out whether you are deluding yourself about your degree of reliance on the internet.  
  • Check out  … Internet Addiction Test (IAT) – Dr Kimberly Young Partner’s Internet Addiction Test (counselling resource)

“A habit cannot be tossed out the window, It must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.”
-Mark Twain